Thursday, February 14, 2013

For the Love of Money

Girl - "No. These coffees were like almost $9. I'm pretty sure I'm paying more."

Boy - "You're not paying more. If we get on this train, it's $4.50. We won't transfer for two hours, so it'll be another $4.50, which is $9. Add that to -"

Girl - "But I tipped the barista, too, so it's like ..."

My boyfriend is like, totally, a money laundering prick.

I got a text message last night from him, at past midnight, mind you, which is completely tacky, asking if I wanted to get lunch today. I'm doing my best to balance my headphones attached to my iPhone5S that is playing 10 hours worth of celestial white noise so I can sleep peacefully, and this asshole beeps through asking about lunch tomorrow?!  Like I can think about LUNCH when my chakras are now completely off balance.  Anyway, I text him "I'll totally go ;)", then drift back off to sleepstown.

This morning I get up, have two egg whites with cayenne and like 4 glasses of ice cold water (it speeds up your metabolism), shower, exfoliate, dry my hair, put on makeup, brush my teeth, lotion my legs, Eucerin my neck, paint my toenails, Tweet that I painted my toenails, get dressed, curl my hair, check Facebook, change, make sure my toenails are dry, then put on my shoes, jacket, two color complementing scarves, hat, gloves, and a safety coat of lipstick and head out the door.

So, we're supposed to meet at like 12:30pm. I get there fashionably early, because arriving late means you think your time is more important than anyone else's, and I like to think of myself as a considerate person. My dick of a boyfriend, however, does not. He arrives at 12:37. SEVEN MINUTES FUCKING LATE. Ugh. What are you doing before noon that causes you to arrive late? He wasn't at the gym because he was wearing jeans.  He probably took public transport (gross).  So, I've already ordered our drinks (two diet cokes with lime and two waters extra ice, duh), which are completely starting to water down and overflow because this selfish Neanderthal can't make it to lunch on time. Anyway, we order (him, a burger with bacon and pepper jack, side of fries, side of buffalo sauce for dipping - nasty. Me, a salad with grilled chicken, cucumbs, tomatoes, and the juice of fresh lemons for dressing - I don't play around with extra kCals, and my BFF at the BYOB nail salon told me that if you get anything fat-free, they just load it with extra sugar so it tastes better. That is a sick joke, you guys.), and when it comes time to pay, he just lets the check like, linger on the table.

Um, YOU asked ME to lunch, dipweed, not the other way around. So YOU are PAYING (we ended up splitting it).  I always make sure to tip the server a dollar more than he does when we split the bill, just so they know what a jerk he is. I had a cousin that worked as a server once, and he said it was a really hard job, so I try and give whenever I can.

The Ultimate Life Ruiner says he needs coffee, so we stop at Intelligentsia, and I front the bill (those coffees are expensive, but they extract them so perfectly that I don't even care, and I will totally wait the twenty minutes it takes to make them).

Then, he asks me to go to his place, presumably so I can watch him play video games while his roommates sludge around in sweatpants until I finally decide to leave or nap in tiny ass twin bed where he uses towels for sheets. I say, "Of course! I have nothing until 6.", and we head to the train (gggggrrrrrr!), where I realize I'm out of cash.

We have this argument about who paid more (I totally have), and this BITCH walks by, I mean WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS, gives us a look, then says, "Do you guys need to use my card?".

I was MORTIFIED. One, I don't even normally take the train. Two, she was more of a gentleman that my own god-forsaken boyfriend.  I broke up with him then and there.

So, like, I think the moral of this story is: if you're fighting over the cost of coffee and train money, your relationship problems are probably more deeply seeded than that. And you should dump your boyfriend. Because it's probably his fault.


Unknown said...

These are awesome!!! Keep them comin'!

nikki p said...

Thank you, "Unknown"!