Thursday, February 28, 2013

Mommy Heiress

Toddler - "Mommy?"

Mommy - no response

Toddler - "Mommy."

Mommy - no response

Toddler - "Mommy, I'm hungry."

Mommy - no response

Toddler - "Mommy, can I have amehma?"

Mommy - "God dammit, Tyler! Do I look like I have a banana?"

Being a stay-at-home-mom is ridiculously exhausting.

Between waking up when your kid does, having to make them food repeatedly throughout the day, and actually engaging with them, I barely have enough energy to meet my own needs.  Last week, I had to cancel my trainer session (not reschedule - cancel) because Tyler acquired pink eye at, I'm guessing, his Mandarin lesson.  They said that needy twerp Alex was just tired when he was rubbing his eye, but I could see they just didn't want to lose the money spent and miss a lesson, therefore putting my kid and me in danger of getting the same, nasty thing.  I mean, seriously.  What kind of parent are you?

Today, Tyler is being especially challenging.  This morning, after gymnastics (both mine and his), I realized that someone had shoveled or plowed a giant heap of snow directly behind my Lexus RX 450H.  I wouldn't have been as pissed, but I park diagonally over two spaces in that parking lot because the facility is in a more, what my friends and I like to call, "poor-tentious" part of town (Chicago and Sangamon).  Anyway, I realized that someone had shoveled this snow, and so I couldn't get out.  I don't have any friends that take their kids to that gym, and cabs don't come out that far west, so I had to take, brace yourself, a CTA bus.

I.  Was.  Mortified.

I hung my head, handed the driver a $10, and did my best not to look anyone in the face.  I also tried to sit somewhere that didn't have an adjacent window, just in case, upon entering the actual city again, one of my friends didn't witness my misfortune.  I would've never lived it down, and all I need is someone bringing it up at a dinner party to solidify my divorce.

I had to think.  How was I going to slip this past my husband?  I definitely needed a tow, but the budget he allows me weekly is almost spent, and I can't justify asking for any more, given that I've sent the wash out twice this week and had all but two meals delivered (I just didn't eat - I'm so BAD, but it's winter and nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!).

It had come to my worst possible solution.  I was going to have to pay for this with my own money.  I dialed my credit card company from memory and immediately asked for Marco (who I feel like I know on a personal level and just LOVE his accent), who told me he would raise my limit in order to accommodate something as dire as this.  That free money is all the happiness I have, and if I can't spend it on things I need (facials, Botox, and wine with lady friends), then I literally have nothing.  I am a shell of a human, encased in a very beautiful shell of course, but with nothing but sadness inside.

So now my kid is asking for a banana?  A BANANA?!  At least I think he's asking for a banana; I've had him working with a speech therapist for over a year, and at 2.5 years old he's made zero progress.  It's been a total waste of money, but my girlfriend Cara insists that Genevieve will work it out.

I mean sriously, Tyler.  Get it together.  Mommy is stressed and tired and he can SEE that I'm texting, so WHY is he asking me for anything?!

I'm sorry - anyways, honey, I'm so, so, incredibly sorry to send you such a long text while you're at school, but I really desperately need a nanny today, and I know it's your day off and all, but if you could just come over for a few hours - You have to be able to see that I need to get out of this house and have a drink before I murder myself and everyone in it.

I guess I don't just hate everyone else's kids, I just don't like kids in general.  So honey, if you're going to take a moral from all this, marry rich AND old, so no one will expect you to have babies.


Unknown said...

I love this one. Classic!

Unknown said...

This is hilarious!!!