Friday, February 15, 2013

the Bird or the Bush

Young Drunk Girl - "No! I wanna have another."

Sober Guy - "Another virgin maybe."

Young Drunk Girl - "No! One with liquor. Maybe a virgin, then maybe one with liquor after."

Sober Guy - "It's the sugar that gets you."

Young Drunk Girl - "I'm not eating sugar."

Sober Guy - "There's sugar in the drink."

Young Drunk Girl - "But how much sugar is in a piña colada really?"

Bro, I know. I know. I know what you're saying, but you gotta give Kels a chance.

Dude, for starters, she was drunk. Plastered. We got off work at Friday's and ducked into the Rainforest Cafe, and she had like 3 of those Green Pythons, man. And she doesn't drink her drinks on the rocks cause she's still like 21 or 22 or something, so she had them blend it up and kept calling them piña coladas, which I guess is kinda right, except there's none of that Midori stuff in them.

She doesn't know the difference, though. She doesn't bartend. I mean, I've been bartending for three years now, so I got all kinds of experience under my belt.  No, seriously.  Ask me anything.  Rum runner?  Easy.  Bananarama?  Dude.  Easy.  It's all the weird shit I don't know, like old ass alcoholic drinks, like anything with scotch or whiskey, you know?  That's the only stuff that trips me.

But she's young, you know, so no fault, man.  I got mad respect for her.  She just turned like 21 or 22 and started hosting in there, so she's in a totally different world.  It's weird, her being so young, but it's kinda cool to be hittin' it.  I mean, since college, I've like, only dated older women.  Not old, like cougars or anything, but older.  Like early, mid-30s.  You know, the women that feel like, "Why am I not married yet?  What is wrong with me?  I should have wicked hot sex with younger men so I can positively reinforce my sexual worth and desirability.".  And the best thing about those women?  They feel like they got shit to prove.  So it's no holds bar, swing from the ceiling, eat my underwear type of sex, and the best part?  They never stick around.  I think it's some sort of weird guilt or something, or maybe they realize that they're not really into the shit that guys our age do, so they like sneak out in the middle of the night, and don't even text you again or nothing.

Kels is cool, though.  She texts me a lot, like even when we're working together.  And I know I'm not supposed to have my phone on me, but fuck that man.  Rules are made to be broken, right?  And it's not like I'm ignoring my tables to answer a million text messages, cause that's my money, that's how I live.  She texts me, and I go up to the host stand and answer in person, cause that's what men do.  And they get all giggly and whisper when I walk away, and that's cool.  I mean, I don't wanna seriously date her or anything.  She still gets throw-up-in-the-bed drunk, but we did the same thing 2 years ago when we were her age, so we can't knock it, you know?  Yeah, she's alright for now.

I guess what I'm trying to say, bro, like the moral of the story: a girl in your hand is better than two in the bush.  Unless you're seriously dating the girl in your hand, and she's super young and drinks fruity drinks.  Then I'd rather have the two in the bush.  Cause those Green Pythons are fucking expensive.

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