Friday, May 3, 2013

Sampler Platter

Wife: "I don't care."

Husband: "Well, we gotta make a decision 'fore she comes back around."

Wife: "I said I don't care."

Husband: "Then we'll get them both."

Wife: "We don't need them both."

Husband: "Then make a goddamned decision, Lynn."

Wife: "Fine.  The wings.  Get the goddamned wings."

Husband: "Well, what kind, Lynn?"

I'm about to order a divorce right here in Applebee's.

How damn hard is it to make a damn decision?  There are 5 worthwhile appetizers on this menu, and she can't choose one?  And the one she does choose has to come with options, of course.  Lord knows that'll take another ten minutes of my life that I will never get back.

If it were up to me, I'd make the decision on my own.  But no, thank you.  I learned my lesson on that one.  "I don't care!", she'll say, but sure as shit, she'll be the first one complaining when the food hits the table.  "This ain't gonna be enough for both of us." or, "Well, if I'd have known this portion was so big, I wouldn't have ordered dinner at all" or, "Daryl, we always get nachos.  You and them damn nachos.  Of course.  Glad we could cause a scene in Applebee's over a plate of damn nachos.".

And now here we are.  Waitress standing just close enough that she can hear every word we're saying, but just far enough away that she can still pretend she ain't actively waiting for my wife pick through and over-analyze every god-forsaken flavor this place has to offer.  God help her if she does come over.  I can just hear Lynn now: "What's the difference between Honey BBQ and Southern BBQ?" and "No, no.  I know I don't like the Sweet & Spicy.  You may as well just call it Teryaki, but it is too sweet for Teriyaki.  And you know most Asian food has soy sauce in it, so it's probably just loaded with that MSG." or "How hot IS the hot buffalo?  Because I like spicy, but spice is relative, and some folks say they can eat spicy but they can't really eat it.  It's all relative, you know, spice."

I will lose my shit if the waitress says we can go half and half.

"Let's get the sampler platter", I could offer.  But that's an immediate no, because it's "loaded with carbs", and we're trying to "watch our portion intake" and "you know I prefer the traditional, bone-in wings.  Those boneless are all breading.  You don't get no meat out of it", even though ordering the sampler platter would alleviate the stress of making damn decision.  That's why they put the stupid thing there.  So you don't have to choose.  This is America.  We order the sampler platter and call it a fucking day. 

But here I am.  Watching my wife till through every last option, while I wonder whether marrying her or going to Applebee's was the worst decision of my life.

I guess some things are better left undecided.


Blackhearts & Raspberry Tarts said...

Applebee's is never a bad choice- take from that what you will!

Anonymous said...

Oh my god! Those are some "real world" problems...Meanwhile she's wondering when she can get home and talk to her internet lover and she'll think all the while "My husband drove me to this..."