Thursday, May 9, 2013

Stop and Smell the Flowers

Little Girl - "Oooooh!  Look!  Flowers!"

Nanny (on phone) - "Oh, yeah...look at all of them.  Aren't they pretty?"

Little Girl - "Yes.  The flowers are SO pretty."

Nanny (on phone) - "They sure are.  Did you want to stop and look at them?"

Little Girl - "Yes.  They are SO pretty, the flowers."

Nanny (on phone) - "They sure are."


HeyTell!
Jessica  

{HOLD AND SPEAK}
I. LOVE. MY. JOB.

Who else gets a job like this?  I get paid to play.  Sure, you can sit around and diddle on Facebook or Pintrest or whatever you office folk like, but I get $18 an hour to pretend to look at flowers.

FLOWERS.
{RELEASE}

Oooh.  Yes.  Flowers.  They sure are pretty!

{HOLD AND SPEAK}
I've made a list of why my job is better than yours in the "note" app on my iPhone (which I bought with this free money, SUCKA!), and will read them to you now:
{RELEASE}

Yes, those flowers are SO pretty!  The prettiest!  Pretty, pretty!  Just like you.

{HOLD AND SPEAK}
1. I work at the park.
2. I get paid to go to the beach.
3. Free access to museums.
4. Unlimited supply of Goldfish Crackers.
5. If the kid is nap age: paid naps.
 {RELEASE}

Shit.  I hate this stupid app.  Always with the goddamn time limit. 

{HOLD AND SPEAK}
Where was I?  6?

6. Sandwiches.  All kinds of different sandwiches.
7. Fish sticks (you know your ass likes those, so don't hit me with that salty "Ew!  Fish sticks?" shit).
8. You can wave a toy in front of a kid between the ages of born and almost 2.5 years, never speak to them, and they're completely content, and can't report back to their parents.  Not like at your job, where you get in trouble if you sit on LaneBryant.com or fall asleep at your desk.
{RELEASE}

Yep.  Cute.  Whatever you say, kid.

{HOLD AND SPEAK}
9. I can do all my normal day-to-day activities and errands (like go grocery shopping and brunch with friends), just now I have a kid with me.
10. Cartoons.  They love them.  Seriously.  You can throw a cartoon on and sleep on the couch if you're hungover in the mornings (WHICH I ALWAYS AM!).
{RELEASE}

Oh my god.  

Where did Cara go?  She was just right here.

{HOLD AND SPEAK}
Shit.

I'll text you later.   
{RELEASE}

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