Monday, February 17, 2014

Cheddar Bang Biscuits

Guy Server - "What are you doing tonight?"

Girl Server - "No plans. Wanna get a drink after this?"

Guy Server - "Is your boyfriend coming?"

Hey, girl. I'm sorry if I've been unclear in the past, or seem to be unclear now, but let me be straight with you...

I wanna bang.

I don't know how many times I need to take waters to your tables before you even greet them. How many times I have to run only your food. How many times I do your condiments before you get a chance to. Or how many times I have to toy around with the idea that I just wanna get a drink when all I really want to say is...

I wanna get a drink so you'll loosen up those inhibitions and make a poor decision and that poor decision is banging me. Cuz I wanna bang.

I'm not a bad guy. I'm bangable supreme. What I am not is boyfriend material, and don't get me wrong - I do not want to be your boyfriend. I don't even wanna replace your boyfriend. I don't want you to break up with your boyfriend for me, because I don't need that guilt. I don't even really wanna hang out with you much longer after we do this deed. I just sense a lot of chemical attraction between us, and maybe it's because I like how you look in head-to-toe black paired with a slightly messy ponytail, somewhat greasy face and those slick-ass non-skid Shoes 4 Crews...but you really work it.

Hell, I would go as far to say that you look better than all the other girls in the restaurant dressed the same way.

If you can look good at work in a shirt buttoned all the way to the top, apron covering half your body, your breeze smelling like a mix of stale garlic butter, cheddar bay biscuits and whatever lotion you applied this morning (what is that, plumeria?)...I know you GOTTA be looking and smelling real girl-like underneath. That makes me wanna bang.

I just love the way you write "thank you" with a little flower on all your checks. It's like, attention to detail like that that makes me know you'll pay attention to the little things I like when we bang.

You always show up on time, but you never clock in until you get that first table. Because you like to work overtime. And I know you'll work it time and a half when we bang.

Hows about when you joke around with management about how THEY need to bring their A-Game? I love that shit. That means you won't let nothing slide when we bang.

And we gonna bang.

I'd even venture to say we might bang a few times. Maybe 3 or 5 times. Maybe 3 or 5 weeks. Who knows? You don't even gotta let your boyfriend know. Not like he ever comes to sit in your section anyway. I'd sit in your section. After we bang. You could leave my house early in the morning for your lunch shift, and I don't gotta work til 5, but I'm gonna come sit in your section and pretend like I'm just casually having a solo lunch, because I like seeing you work. I like seeing you calm before your shift, frazzled mid-shift, and complaining to no end after your shift. I like everything about you at work.

I might even like you out of work, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I've learned about workmances the hard way. Once I banged two girls I worked with at once. Not like in a threesome, but like I was banging two girls I worked with at the same time at this Chevy's I was bartending at (all girls love the bartenders), and those girls went CRAAAAAAYY. They were like, "I'm banging Mateo, no I'M banging Mateo" and I'm like, Ladies there is enough of Mateo to go around. But they were crazy. I had to quit you know? Because you can't have anyone filing sexual harassing on you or anything. You don't need that on your track record. What I'm saying is, you're the only work girl for me. And if you have some morals, you'd listen to those sexual instinct impulses and bang.

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